mirroring

I was reading my old blog the other day, and while skimming through the cringe-worthy pile of stuff I have written before, one paragraph made me stop because of how related it was in my current dilemma.

(I won't quote myself here because it's annoying, but) In the old post, I was thinking about shifting courses in college. I cannot remember anymore what specific situation I was going through at that time to be in that crossroad, but in the last sentence of the paragraph, I said something that triggered a light bulb moment: I don't want a major change.

Old post was still back in 2007, but here I find myself again in a similar situation: having to make a decision. It's still about shifting courses, but not in the sense of short-term education, it's about changing lifestyles.

The past three months had been rough for me because I let myself get bombarded with my insecurities. When you are not secured enough, it can go a long spiral way down to the pit.

Last week, a dilemma landed on my lap again, and it was the cherry on top of the last three months. If you can still follow, it means it was the worst time. Let me tell you something about myself, I am not good at life decision-making. Not that I make a lot of bad decisions, but it takes me a long time before making one.

This particular decision deserves an overanalysis because everything is at stake. It's the decision that will make you ask, what makes me happy?

But the answer to that is not the point of this writing. In the many hours that I've spent pondering while in commute, thinking about this dilemma, what I've learned is this: it is truly important to know yourself. But knowing yourself alone is only half the battle. I think the key to winning life is to know what and what does not make you happy, and then accept yourself for both and have peace with it.

There is really treasure in the past.

no one cares if you do

"You don't have to write, no one cares if you do, and you won't be remembered. But if something inside won't let you off the hook, just do it."

- Anne Lamott 

DOORS IN GRAND PALACE

When in Bangkok: Grand Palace.

The palace complex definitely lived up to its name. It was, uhm, grand :D However, because of the vastness of the area and the inevitable overlapping of design in sight, I began to struggle in composition. What I found interesting within and around the complex though? Their doors.

And as I gradually transition this to my personal state, one door has closed up on me very recently. From this I realized that rejection is not always disappointing.. it can be liberating too. Now I feel free, and challenged to face another portal in life :) 

Hope you have it good for the rest of the week! I'll be taking off for a few (hopefully sunny) days at the beach with film and camera in hand :)

BETWEEN YOU AND ME

June 8, 2014. The seven-year spell has finally been broken.

Years ago, when blogs only meant people's online diaries, it has been my go-to act to carefully disguise my thoughts and feelings through words. I have mastered ciphering them with a thin veil that it would be hidden in a stranger's eye at once, but still discernible to my memory should I decide to revisit them. I would write letter and post entries to an anonymous, indirect person with confidence and security that they will never get to the intended receiver, ever -- even it could save and vindicate me in the future.

But the universe kids me again, of course. Life happened, and as much as I wanted to keep the words that naturally became my allies -- my gems in protecting my feelings, I should have been smarter enough to know that eventually these words will land on its rightful owner.

My words had been lost for a while, but slowly they've found their way home. And now, must I say that I wouldn't have it any other way :)

ME, A PROMPT

Fingers dancing over the keys but how do I command them to speak for the one whose words are like the moon in a cloudy night. Present yet hiding. Beaming but too coward to shine its light on.

Words and I, we have a long history together, and apart. I'm forever chasing the charm that words emit. It doesn't move, but I've grown up old and tired taming it to come to me.

And for what? You may ask. For me, I might say.

Atoms make up everything, but so does my prancing heart is made up of words of love, of hope, of terror. But where are they when I need them the most? In an alley through my veins, so malleable I can stuff all of them together, for how many as I want to, without breaking.. yet.

I lie at night wondering the ratio of words I have said to you that were true, to the ones that I have said that were truer but only in the language of my choice. Of silence. Of which I nurtured since young it has become second nature. Of which I have thrown at you a thousand of times, and yet here you are still, listening as if I have more to say, peering as if there's more to come.

Me and my words are supposed to be mine, and mind alone. Or so I say. Or so I think. Until it betrays me and tires out of being only with me that the only thing left to say is about you.

THE ETERNAL LIST

I am not particularly a list person. I think it's a thing only meant for the neat and orderly; two adjectives that I will never categorize myself in haha, so here goes a photo-list of the things I badly want to do now (and almost always, apparently).

1. Shoot

I always mentally plan to go out/somewhere every week just to shoot. But I never do. I have not gotten my rolls of film developed for almost two months now because a roll would seem to take me forever to finish. 

2. Read

Office work do not count. I want to have a satisfying leisure read, be buried into somebody else's piece of imagination and get my head out inspired and renewed.



3. Write

Obviously, if you don't read, you can't write. I am having such a HARD time to write these days, and more noticeably for the last year (something who writes in her day job should not say). I was never a good writer, but if I wanted to, I knew I could come up with something readable. Not now. It feels like something was switched off. I can't recognize the same familiarity anymore. It is painful every time I try. And with this, I came up with the theory: My sense of expression has been sliced off from writing and diverted to film photography.

(Ironically, this item has the most number of words in the entire list).

4. Go to a coffee shop

Preferably with a friend (more preferably with the bestfriend), and/or while doing #3. The cozier, the better. Let's pretend coffee won't cause my teeth to fall off.



5. Travel

I want to get out of here! Here being any of the following:

• this town
• this country
• this lifetime :p

At this point, it doesn't matter if it is on a beach or a crowded city. Somewhere I can do items 1 to 4 altogether (but not simultaneously hehe).

GOODBYE, APRIL!

To turn 27. A year of film photography. Casual walks, dinner foodtrips, golden hours. Days passed by with me lugging around with my old cameras and film. I have always yearned for something to call mine. I'm assuming everyone does. And I'm guessing too that this is innate, something that runs through our veins -- to hold on to something and deem it ours. A natural act to survive.

I have found mine in film. It's a joy, my joy. Despite the inquisitive looks I get the moment I hold a camera up to my face, their usual doubts as to how something primitive is still surfacing the modern times, and the little jokes you get for using something vintage. Despite that. No amount of doubt can break my love for film :)

The film days are numbered, they say. And that's exactly why this is a great time to live and shoot with film!

PART OF ME

I miss writing. I miss writing long, deep, yet nonsense paragraphs for hours as if I am making something out of nothing. I must have delegated a huge part of my expression into film photography, because although there is so much to tell from the inside, I usually feel like a well in drought when it comes to accompanying my photos even with a short description. Adjectives become harder and harder to pull out of my thin vocabulary and simple words become stale. I'd like to work out on it, though. A little bit more of reading could probably help, which reminds me that, I haven't touched a book in three months.

WHEN IT'S TIME TO WAIT, YOU MUST WAIT.

"It must be hard for you, but there is a right time for everything. When it is time to wait, you must wait."

Words from my favorite author, Haruki Murakami, that I always hold on to every time I’m near losing my patience on anything in life. It’s so easy to give in to impulse, but I’m slowly learning how to step back and look at the bigger picture.

This outlook seemed true again for me in film photography. After few months of acquiring my Superheadz UWS camera, reading a lot about film, joining groups to learn more of it, I felt a great feeling of want need for a film SLR camera. I knew it was only a matter of time, as there were a couple of moments that I wanted to give in to it already. Reading a lot helped me (but also confused me) to narrow down my choices of target. There’s a lot of good deals around, so I told myself I had to be wise in choosing.

I’ve had quite a number of moments when I’ll browse camera deals and just melt right in front of the screen because I wanted them all so badly, but I know I can’t invest on it yet. I guess you come to an age where you realize it’s not really easy to earn money just to spend it in a whim (or sobrang tipid ko lang talaga ngayon haha).

Anyway, my top 3 choices for film SLR were: Canon AE-1, Pentax K1000 and Nikon FM3. I would frequent online deals to check if there’s a reasonable deal for me.. Until one morning, I saw a recently posted ad that really caught my eye. Somehow it fell all right into my 2 main categories of concern: (1) it belongs to my top 3, and (2) it was within my budget. I immediately sent a text message to the seller and asked if I could buy it on weekend because I obviously have work during weekdays. He said yes, only if nobody has bought the camera yet by that day. So I hold on to dear hope that no one will grab it yet, because I really thought it was a great deal! Come Friday, I asked him again if it was available, and he said yes! Oh sweet baby jesus, thank you! I met up with him in Manila and I was lucky because I think the seller is a good guy. He handed this to me and it was love at first sight (with the camera, not with the guy haha!)

It’s a (rare) black Canon AE-1 Program which only put a dent in my wallet for only P2,500 (roughly $55)! Still in good condition. And what made me thought this was a great deal because attached to it was this:

An FD 50mm f/1.4 lens! Meaning I could shoot in low light and enjoy an awesome depth of field :)

On top of this all, the seller even threw a speedlite for free!

Although he’s not sure if it’s still working mehehehe! And I’m not yet acquainted with speedlites so there’s still no way of knowing if this would work. But it’s okay because I don’t usually use flash when taking photos :)

I feel so lucky to have come across this because I usually see Canon AE-1 priced at around P5,000. Funny story was, the seller’s ad price was originally at P3,500, but his description said P2,500 at the time I inquired about it. So he felt no choice but to give it to me with the lower price, all because of a simple typo! Hehehe!

Now my black series family has added another member!

I feel so happy now, and relieved at the same time. Had I been carried away by my impulse, I would’ve bought the camera that I didn’t like as much with, a much higher price. Whew, thank you Mr. Murakami, for putting out there an inspiration for waiting, and the value of patience :)

Can’t wait to shoot!

This is such a long and emotional post for a camera!

LONG WEEKEND

By the looks of my Instagram feed, I pretty much already know where everybody spent their long weekend — out of town. And while snapshots of the beach get splashed across my screen every three minutes or so, I surprisingly did not feel a tinge of envy from them. Because I spent mine at the majestic and holy place called.. My Room. Adventurous, eh? Haha!

Although I do love traveling, I also have the same intense feeling for lounging (slouching) at home. I can be very, very lazy when I’m attacked by the Sloth Syndrome and like what just happened for the last four days, I can stay in my room comfortably and not feel boredom at all (as long as there’s internet). So while everybody was catching flights and sailing boats, I, on the other hand:

1. Watched Scandal. The TV show, not another video of someone’s ass to talk about. Scandal is my favorite TV series as of the moment! Olivia Pope is such a badass! :) Scandal was created by the same mind who did Grey’s Anatomy, Shonda Rhimes. The story revolves around Olivia Pope (and her Associates) who fixes problems and manages crisis, making sure the images and secrets of her clients are protected. One thing that got me interested in this series is that I’ve never heard of anything like their job. And as the story unfolds, lies, betrayals and conspiracy also do. You are never assured of the characters, you always don’t know who did what, so there’s always a chase. And I do love chase! Especially in the romance part! I am so into the love story that goes with it :) Knowing that Shonda Rhimes is a part of this, you really can expect something to tug your heart. That I know it’s wrong but it feels so right vibe is there! :)
2. Walked the dog. All four days, I have managed to take Kimi for a walk around the neighborhood :) I’ve read that walking helps dogs to release their energy and with the kind of energy Kimi has, she sure does need to let out some of her hyperactivity. I’m starting to get worried with her being a little ball of whirlwind as some say Dachshunds are prone to slipped discs and bone rupture (as for having short legs and long body). She really jumps and run around a lot in the house, it’s getting out of hand!
3. Painted my nails red. All of them. Hahaha! This so does not belong to the productive category, but here it goes. 
4. Doodled with watercolor. Well, this is me feeling creative again hehehe! I came across Alessa Lanot’s site (she is Patty Laurel’s bestfriend, which I also came to know by blog hopping) and was inspired by her vision! I really loved how simple her designs were and yet it can captivate your eyes easily. So a couple of weeks ago, I bought some cheap watercolor and sketchpad, and doodled away. You can see the result a few posts back. Hahaha I enjoyed it a lot even though I’m sure a kindergarten student can make better than that! Well, this is me trying something new :D
5. Browsed film cameras. Again. I’ve figured I’d probably start now with a 35mm since the films in that format are easier to find and to shoot (so I’ve heard) than 120mm ones. I guess I’ll try again my Holga later on when I’m more experienced with the basic :) Upon searching and googling, I stumbled upon this LOVELY site of a young Taiwanese Girl named Katie Yang who owns a craft shop and also blogs about her life through film! I was gushing over her photos! They were sooo beautiful! I tweeted her about it and she was nice to even reply :) Definitely a filmspiration <3
6. Blogged. Aint’ it obvious enough? Hehehe. I’ve been trying to at least put some words into my photos lately, because I kind of feel bad for not doing so in the first quarter of the year. I cringe whenever I remember myself saying that this year I’m going to plant the roots of my writing, etc. etc., or something like that, and then let the past few months pass without anything. Although, I’ve been having realizations here and there, but just can’t put it out there yet. One of these days, one of these days..

For now, let’s me start to take myself out of my comfort zone as we all go back again to traffic, cityscapes, and the typical hustle and bustle of the working days! Cheers to the upcoming week! :)

PARTIAL BLISS. SIMPLE JOY.

Commuting is no joke when you’re traveling from South to North five times a week for six months now. This is where I take the phrase “daily grind” literally. I usually anticipate riding the MRT everyday with fear, most especially during the rush hour in the evening. A part within me dies every time I see a long line waiting for me. But that doesn’t end there yet. Wait until the MRT cars arrive, will you only know hell on earth has commenced.

Within the duration of riding the MRT, I have already had my fair share of mind-blowing experience. I swear, people just immediately turn into monsters in a jam-packed MRT! System, please.

On the brighter but rarer side of things, I happen to be in my favorite spot in the MRT today. Jackpot! It’s the end part of the car where there is a rail to lean on. Miraculously, only few passengers where standing when I hopped on it on my way home. Ahhh, the comfort of propping your elbows on to the rail, just chillin’ and reading an e-book. No sweaty arms or other protruding body parts of strangers getting in my way.

Partial bliss. Simple joy.

TO A HAPPY 2013

First of all, Happy New Year! :)

2012 has been really great for me, and I’m really glad to hear this from other people too. Instead of being the end (as what was predicted), the year that was turned out to be quite the opposite of it.

Personally, there hasn’t been a lot of things that happened in 2012. Actually, there are only few. But like how I always prefer things in general: quality over quantity. These few points in the past year turned out to be major changes and realizations in life. I’d like to coin 2012 as “The Catalyst,” and I’m looking forward to the coming years as how things will come in their full circle :)

So, to maintain the energy I’ve had, I have decided to use a planner! (finally, to the main topic of this post). I was really rooting for Paulo Coelho Transformations Day Planner because the illustrations were exquisitely beautiful! I already had a copy although I bought it as a gift. Was supposed to buy another one for myself but I put it back in the shelf because I was also skeptic of myself in using it, HEH. So I waited for days to think over of using one, and when I was finally decided, it was already sold out in every mall that I searched for. Good job, self!

LUCKILY, a friend gave me a Starbucks planner! 

I guess I’m always lucky at having their planners (even though they only serve as a home for dust in my shelf), and I must say this year’s a good one! It’s not as heavy as the previous years and I really like the small details they’ve put inside :) 

Each month has a theme of some sort, allowing you to be creative and communicative. I personally like the scribbling in random pages, telling you to do something good in that day.

My favorite would have to be (2) the magnetic cup bookmark! I squealed a little bit inside when I saw this haha! It’s so cute, clever and useful!

All in all, I’m satisfied with this year’s layout. It’s got all what I need, which I like, because then I’ll be more motivated to use it *crossfingers* :)

I’m letting my writing sail on its own this year, and may it crash to the waves of breaking free. Cheers to our hopes and dreams of 2013!