mirroring

I was reading my old blog the other day, and while skimming through the cringe-worthy pile of stuff I have written before, one paragraph made me stop because of how related it was in my current dilemma.

(I won't quote myself here because it's annoying, but) In the old post, I was thinking about shifting courses in college. I cannot remember anymore what specific situation I was going through at that time to be in that crossroad, but in the last sentence of the paragraph, I said something that triggered a light bulb moment: I don't want a major change.

Old post was still back in 2007, but here I find myself again in a similar situation: having to make a decision. It's still about shifting courses, but not in the sense of short-term education, it's about changing lifestyles.

The past three months had been rough for me because I let myself get bombarded with my insecurities. When you are not secured enough, it can go a long spiral way down to the pit.

Last week, a dilemma landed on my lap again, and it was the cherry on top of the last three months. If you can still follow, it means it was the worst time. Let me tell you something about myself, I am not good at life decision-making. Not that I make a lot of bad decisions, but it takes me a long time before making one.

This particular decision deserves an overanalysis because everything is at stake. It's the decision that will make you ask, what makes me happy?

But the answer to that is not the point of this writing. In the many hours that I've spent pondering while in commute, thinking about this dilemma, what I've learned is this: it is truly important to know yourself. But knowing yourself alone is only half the battle. I think the key to winning life is to know what and what does not make you happy, and then accept yourself for both and have peace with it.

There is really treasure in the past.

2015: the cherry on top

I don't usually admit it to myself, but I have lived life with the saying: Go with the flow. I don't put things back to their proper places. I don't make lists. I have no urge or whatsoever to make a mental note of things (or if I do, consider it forgotten). I have woken up to many mornings thinking that things will fall into their proper places just as they should, because of wrong interpretation of if something is bound to happen, it will. Obviously, things will only happen if you actually make a move for it.

2014 has given me a chance to know myself better, which I am grateful for, and one simple thing I realized and I will easily succumb to on being at fault: I don't make new year goals. It is so laughable, I know. Having known and accepted this, I learned that it is not enough to just have goals, they also have to be smart. And by smart, this means: specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely goals. 

New year means fresh start. This could be exciting at first, but also prone to quickly fade out after a few months in to the new year. So here are my 2015 (hopefully) smart goals, which I will look into again in July to check each progress (I tried to be realistic haha):

• Wake up 75 minutes before going to work to make time for stretching, at least three times a week
• Shoot more people, at least six shots in a roll
• Draw (no matter how mundane) once a week
• Join Carlos Celdran's Barter Tour before the rainy season begins
• Complete the 52-week money challenge (in reverse)
• Blog at least three times a week
• Finish a book once a month
• Take photos in my neighborhood/city once a month
• Participate in two photowalks
• Join Alessa Lanot's Watercolor Workshop
• Print at least five photos for every roll of film
• Take Kimi out for a walk every Sunday morning
• Spend only ten minutes in social media before sleeping
• Write in my journal every day
• Visit the National Museum

Some of the things I cannot quantify, but still want to achieve:

• Resist participation in gossips (haha)
• Compliment people more
• Give thanks upon waking up instead of looking for my phone immediately (hehehe)
• Be receptive in small talks
• Choose my words and speak more kindly
• Own up to my photography (and also to this blog :D)

I tracked all of my films, and discovered that I shot 59 rolls this year! 59! I would love to include a goal that involves a direct output from my photography, but I guess this one has to be derived from the more specific photography-related goals I have mentioned above. Printing postcards or bookmarks, perhaps? Doing last year's calendar opened up more ideas on what to do next.

2015 is going to be the cherry on top :) May this year be our most productive one yet!

CAFE BRETON

During my 10-minute walk from the bus stop to our office building, I get to pass by Cafe Breton every morning. Each time I see a glimpse of this French-inspired coffee shop, I wonder how lovely it would be to sit inside and be served with those pretty porcelain china (or whatever is the proper term for those). I always tell myself, "one of these days."

And that one day came, gladly, right before my scheduled interview for a post-grad application. The pressure was getting into my head at this moment obviously, but the company and ambiance relaxed my uneasy nerves somehow. Their mango crepe has the perfect combination of light, tangy and delicious! Although their coffee was not served as hot as expected, I would not think twice on trying them again, one of these days :)

I did not make the cut, by the way.

Prior to the interview (and exam), I had a year to think about applying first. For a year it became this dark cloud hovering my sanity, and was one of those would I/should I things I had to decide for myself. I ridiculously spent months thinking and questioning my ability to commit into something I was so unsure of. Anyway, the bottom line is, I had to know. And I will not ever know if I never try.

I've tried, and although failed, I cannot explain the wave of relief this has brought me. I may or may not try again in the future. For now I rest my head on the thought that, failure cannot humiliate someone who has tried.

Happy end of the weekend to you :)